Roger's Very Own Pilot Episode
by DarkSharknado
Summary: When Roger's sitcom gets changed from a comedy to drama, Roger goes from being swindled to swindler when he runs away to Africa.


Work Text: American Dad!

American Dad

Fanfic Title:

"Roger's Very Own Pilot Episode".

Opening Credits Scene:

Roger's Disguise: Kurt Cobain

Scene 1:

In the neighborhood where the Smith's lived, Roger was driving down the street to the Smith House boiling angry. Roger sees Greg and Terry with their baby Libby.

Roger (shouting): Hey, look! It's the Ambiguously Gay Duo!"

Roger drives into the driveway and runs to the attic. Klaus is there.

Klaus: Hey, Roger. What's gotten your knickers in a twist?

Roger: (grumbles angerly to himself)

Klaus: Did that TV pilot of yours go through?

Roger: Yes, it did all right! It was supposed to be lowbrow comedy...

Klaus: What was it about again?

Roger: It was about a dysfunctional family. It was the female equivalent of Malcolm In The Middle.

Klaus: Wasn't it called "Abnormal As We Are"?

Roger: Yes, and those asswipes at ABC turned it into a shocking drama! And called it "Maybe There's Hope!"

Klaus: TV execs! Can't trust them.

Roger: I wanted Stephanie Weir from MAD TV to play the mother and instead they got Sela Ward!

Klaus: I hate that bimbo! She's the Lifetime queen!

Roger: ABC turned it into a story about a family struggling in the recession! The single mother was a waitress in a truck stop, the oldest daughter is a teen mom, and the youngest has cerebral palsy! And it took place in Pembroke Illinois!

Klaus: Did it have a theme song?

Roger: Yes, and my idea took place in LA. So I used Katy Perry's "California Gurls" as the theme song.

Klaus: I got a better theme song you can use. Just plug in that record player over there.

Roger: Okay (plugging in the record player).

Once Roger plugged in the record player, the Benny Goodman song "Springtime In the Rockies" played. Once Roger heard the song he trembled in fear. Started to sweat and had a terrorized look on his face. Until finally he ran around the attic screaming.

Klaus (unplugging the victrola): Why does that song scare you?

Roger: Because back on my home planet, that song meant the spirits of the dead are coming!

Klaus (vindictively): Yes, Roger! The spirits of the dead are coming! And they're coming for you! (laughs evilly)

Roger (runs out of the attic): I'm gettin' outta here!

Roger runs down the hall past Hayley and Steve.

Hayley: I wonder what's going on with Roger?

Steve: Why did that Big Band song scare him?

Scene 2:

The next day Roger was gone. The Smith family were watching TV.

TV: Next up, Black in America Part 25 only on CNN!

Stan screams and changes the channel.

Francine: Anyone seen Roger?

Stan: No, but what did happen to him?

Steve: I know, Roger came home upset about his TV pilot.

Stan: You mean that 'Abnormal As We Are' he kept going on and on about? That was a load of beep

Hayley: He was complaining to Klaus about how ABC conned him...

Stan: Yes, go on...

Klaus trembles in fear.

Steve: Klaus played a trick on Roger by making him plug in that victrola we have and that Benny Goodman song "Springtime in the Rockies" started playing.

Francine: Wow! Steve! I didn't know you liked Big Band music.

Steve: I don't! I heard it at Snot's house once. His mother likes Big Band music.

Hayley: Yes, and after Roger heard the song, he ran away! Thinking spirits of the dead were after him!

Stan (angerly): Klaus! This is all your fault! Because of you there's an alien on the loose!

Klaus: Good! I'm glad! I never liked Roger anyway! I hope they catch him and give him a Vivi Section!

Stan: Yeah, and we'll all get one, too if they trace Roger back to us. (Stan gets an idea) I got it! I planted a tracking device on Roger and we can trace where he's going! Quick everyone! To my study!

Scene 3:

The American Dad logo comes up with a swirl in the background. They're all in Stan's study looking at the electric map that's tracking down Roger.

Francine: Where is he going?

Stan: Looks like he crossed the ocean and he's going to South Africa!

Steve: That's where the recent World Cup took place.

Stan: Don't you ever mention soccer in my presence ever again!

Francine: What will we do?

Hayley: Are we going to Africa?

Stan: Me, Francine and Klaus are! (To Klaus): If we don't find Roger, so help me God I will feed you to an anaconda!

Klaus: Like those ones from that Jennifer Lopez and LL Cool J movie?

Stan: Exactly!

Francine: You kicked Roger's ass out, and you're going to help us bring his ass back!

Stan: I'll get the CIA jet fired up! You kids are in charge! No wild drug parties or sex orgies!

Stan and Francine run out of the house and into the SUV with Klaus in tow.

Steve: So, uh, what exactly do brothers and sisters do together when they're home alone?

Hayley (walking away): Get a life loser!

Meanwhile in the desert in South Africa, Roger sees a midget Zulu.

Roger: Boy, am I glad to be away from Langley Falls! Far, far away from those evil spirits!

The midget Zulu passes him by.

Roger: Hey, I know you. You look familiar. Are you that midget from "The Year Of Living Dangerously"?

Midget: Why does everybody beep keep saying that?

Roger continues to walk until he meets a tribe of Zulus doing a ritual dance. Once the Zulus see Roger, they bow to him.

Roger: Well, well. What do we have here?

Zulu #1: The prophecy has been fulfilled! You are the Great White Spirit! We shall obey your every command!

Roger: Taking orders from a white guy! They don't call this The Dark Continent for nothing! In the words of Little Orphan Annie, (singing): I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here!

Scene 4:

The opening credits to Shaka Zulu are spoofed. But only it's called, "Shaka Roger". The Shaka Zulu theme song plays. Then once it ends, Roger gives the Zulu tribe some orders.

Roger: Okay, first order of business, you're all going to speak English! No more of this 'clickety clack, clack' beep! Got it? This isn't The Gods Must Be Crazy!

Zulu #1: Yes, master.

Roger: Second order of business, I get to name you all! (points at the Zulu tribe individually) You're name is Buckwheat, Stymie, Prissy, Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, Al Jolsen, Dudley Dickenson, Mantan Moreland, Dorothy Dandrige, Amos and Amy, Stepin Fetchit, and Kunta Kinte!

Zulu #2: Yes, master.

Roger: Third order of business. You're all going to help me make me own TV Show!

Zulu #4: But, master. We don't know what a TV show is?

Zulu #5: Yes, we are Zulus! We have no TVs.

Roger: We'll make it a play, then. (gets out a laptop) Luckily for me I got an account on YouTube!

Zulu #2: What is this play about?

Roger: A dysfunctional family with three daughters. The oldest is boy crazy and promiscious! The middle one is the voice of reason, and the youngest is a lying conniving schemer! The father is strict, and the mother is a fun loving alcoholic! This play is called, "Abnormal As We Are"!

Roger tells the Zulus what parts they should play.

Scene 5:

Along the African Jungle, Stan, Francine, and Klaus are trying to search for Roger.

Francine: Roger? Roger!

Stan: Come on, now! Stop being a drama queen! There's no evil dead spirits after you!

Klaus: Maybe we'll run into the Virtual Villagers here.

Stan: Klaus, you idiot! Those games take place on a ficticious island called "Isola"! My CIA buddies and I like to play those games! Good training!

Francine: As they say in Hollywood, let's take five.

Stan, Francine, and Klaus sit on a log.

Francine: Maybe it's good Roger ran away here.

Stan: Know what you mean, so no one would know he's an alien!

Just then a tiger appears and Francine sees it.

Francine (screams): KITTY!

Stan: Wow! Francine! I didn't know you sang opera!

Klaus: That's not opera you fool! That's a tiger!

Stan: Okay, calm down. I'm highly trained for this situation!

Klaus: You guys are like Kid and Sue from those Cheerios commercials.

Stan: We need to stand perfectly still, or else this tiger will think you're something to eat.

The tiger is still growling at them.

Francine: You got that from Out of Africa, didn't you?

Then the tiger jumps at then catapulting them from the log and onto the tiger's back. Then the tiger runs at incredible speeds.

Klaus: I'm gonna barf! I'm gonna barf! I'm feel like I'm on that Crazy Dance ride from Problem Child 2!

Stan: Hi, ho, Silver! away! (laughing) Sorry, couldn't resist! Wow! He's like Chester Cheetah on Ecstacy!

Francine: I hope we don't get lost!

The tiger lets them off to where Roger is. The midget Zulu appears again.

Francine (to the midget): Excuse me, did you happen to see a funny looking white guy around here?

Midget: Yes, they think he's the Great White Spirit! I'm really the Great White Spirit!

Stan: No you're not! You're that midget from The Year of Living Dangerously!

Midget: beep You!

Scene 6:

Roger is making the Zulus play out his sitcom. Roger is filming it on his laptop on YouTube.

Roger: Perfect! These dweebs are totally falling for it! I'll be a bigger YouTube sensation than Susan Boyle!

Zulu #1: Tiffany! You must stay home and babysit!

Zulu #2: No way! I gotta date with my boyfriend!

Zulu #3: Oh, you old stick in the mud, let her have fun!

Zulu #4: But it's a school night.

Zulu #5: I'll get their attention by having a tantrum about wanting a toy!

Roger: And...cut! Awesome! Job well done! We'll finish the episode first thing in the morning. This is so cool. These people can't con me like they did at ABC!

Stan, Francine, and Klaus arrive.

Roger: Stannie and Frannie! What a big surprise! (sees Klaus): Hi, asshole!

Stan: Did I just hear you right? Are you really conning these Zulus?

Roger (imitating Curly): Why soitenley! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

Francine: You're using these poor people so can have your own TV Show?

Roger (normal voice) Not TV Show! Internet show. Besides, who watches TV anymore what with iPods and the internet? This is so radical! Nobody here can con me or mess with me or change it into something they want to have! Best part is?

Klaus: What's the best part?

Roger: These morons think I'm The Great White Spirit. They obey my every command!

Stan: Roger, aren't you doing the same thing those TV execs at ABC did to you?

Francine: You're no better than they are.

Roger: Oh, don't you both give me that moral BS! I hate morals! I'm a rebel through and through!

Just then a fiery arrow lands in the village.

Zulus (screaming): Run for cover!

Klaus: You can't pin that on me!

Stan: Who did that?

Roger: Who's trying to ruin my fun here?

It was the Midget Zulu.

Midget: I did it! Guilty as charged. I'm really the Great White Spirit! And I challenge you to a showdown!

Roger: Bring it on, bitch! And I don't mean that Kirsten Dunst movie!

Scene 7:

Roger and the Midget Zulu are getting ready for their showdown. All the Zulus gathered around for the competition! There was a box of bombs there.

Zulu #1: Here are the rules. Whoever dances the best is the Great White Spirit. And when you're done, you hit these box of bombs with a hammer. Loser will be killed on the spot! Let the competition begin!

Stan: What exactly is this competition?

Zulu #2: It's a dance off.

Stan: You mean like in that movie "You Got Served"?

Francine: Oh, Roger. I hope you don't get killed.

Roger: Don't worry, Frannie. If there's one thing I'm good at it's dancing.

The Zulus all got on their drums and started beating them. The Midget and Roger started dancing. Then they both twirled sticks of fire, hula hooped, did flips, and it continued on until it's announced that it's done.

Zulu #1: ZOOOOLOOOOO!

Zulu #3: Forgot to mention! Winner becomes the next Great White Spirit!

Roger: Yes, I'm the new Great White Spirit! Yes!

Midget: No, I am!

Roger: Think you got a shot Tony Cox! I dare you to hit that box of bombs with this (hands the Midget a spear).

Midget: No problem! I'm sick of people not taking me seriously!

The Midget hits the box of bombs with the spear and explodes. The Midget was dead.

Roger: Okay, everybody bow to me!

All the Zulus bowed. Then Roger looks at his family.

Roger: But I learned something today.

Klaus: Roger's becoming moral.

Roger: It's wrong to take advantage of helpless people. And it's wrong to con others into doing something you want them to do. I should've learned that lesson when I went to ABC to get my sitcom filmed. So, sorry, Zulus. Go find someone else to be your Great White Spirit.

Stan: In the words of Dave Lennox, Attaboy, Roger!

Francine (crying): Our little alien is growing up!

Klaus: Let's all go home.

The Zulus said their final goodbyes as Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus headed back to the CIA plane and back to Langley Falls.

Scene 8:

Back at Langley Falls, Roger shows the video of his sitcom he did on YouTube to the Smith family.

Roger: This is what was going to be.

Stan: If this had been an actual sitcom, it would've bombed.

Francine: It probably wouldn't even see the light of day. I should know.

Stan: Not only that, nobody likes dysfunctional families with smart-ass kids anymore. Sons of Tuscon was proof of that.

Klaus: Your video didn't get any hits.

Roger: I know. I'll erase it. Here I thought evil spirits from my home planet were after me. In the end, I was the evil spirit.

Roger erases the Youtube video.

Stan: Well, we all had enough fun for one day. Let's all go to bed!

Hayley (punches Roger): That's what you get for exploiting those poor Zulus!

Scene 9 Conclusion:

Klaus was in the backyard making an aluminum balloon.

Roger: Hey, Klaus. What are you doing there?

Klaus: You were so popular with your African stint, so I decided to seek fame!

Roger: You going to put it on the internet?

Klaus: Nein. What I'm hoping to accomplish here is to get my own reality show! All I need to do is float this balloon around town and say there's a dead person inside!

Roger: Oh, really! Let me help you with that...

Klaus: What do you suggest?

Roger: You should look for defects, go inside.

Klaus (goes inside the balloon): Okay.

Once Klaus was in the balloon, Roger launches it! The balloon floats away with Klaus inside! Roger hasn't learned his lesson after all!

Roger: Payback time!

Klaus: Roger! You dumbkoff! I'll get you for this!

Roger (running up to the screen): GOOOOOOOOD-BYE BYE! (laughs)

THE END

Closing Credits


End file.
